I’m fat, how did this happen?
I just want to get real here in this blog post to start a discussion and support for myself & everyone who’s struggling. I’m 5’ 9” and a comfortable weight for my body seems to be around 165-170 and a size 12. Yes, I’d like to weigh less than that but I tried for years & despite dog walking 5 hours a day & going to the gym that was about as low as I could get.
I’m ashamed to say I currently weigh 198, and am a size 14 which is completely shocking and not ok. Other people seemed shocked by this number because they say I “carry my weight well.” That’s why I wanted to put the number out there.
There are many factors that have lead to this. Last summer I was in & out of the hospital for depression, on & off several medications. I got down to around 160. Since getting out of the hospital, I’ve been on Seroquel (known for weight gain), which I got off of. I’m now on several medications including Abilify (which is supposed to be weight neutral but isn’t from my experiences on it over the past few years). While I do believe medications can effect your weight, I also have to take responsibility for what I put in my mouth.
I’ve always had a sweet tooth. I was a chunky kid, a girl scout who sold some cookies but also ate a lot. When I got to middle school I joined the soccer team and went on a 1400 calorie a day diet per a doctor. I was hungry a lot but lost weight.
In high school I took up smoking, and drinking, and not eating much. This kept me thin but then I got sober and food once again became an issue. In college I started running a lot which helped me stay around 165-170. Then when I moved to NYC I was not only walking everywhere, I started a dog walking company which had me walking 4-6 hours a day. I could pretty much eat what I wanted & not gain weight until my late 20s. Then my metabolism bid me farewell. I started going to the gym in addition to dog walking to maintain my weight.
Last year though I moved upstate and am now driving everywhere. I continue to go to the gym and walk dogs here and there but I’m obviously not getting exercise anywhere on the scale I used to.
Sugar is my best friend and my worst enemy. A cookie here, a scone there, pie, chocolate etc. Never in huge quantities, but almost every day I have eaten something sugary, I’m ashamed to admit. I’m an addict and apparently I need to learn how to abstain from this.
In the past year I’ve hired a personal trainer, been on & off Weight Watchers, did a weekly vegan food delivery service multiple times. I got a juicer and starting drinking green juices but could never seem to have the resolve to do a full on no eating juice cleanse. I’ve watched copious amounts of documentaries from Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead to That Sugar Film to Vegucated. I’ve been to the Catskill Animal Sanctuary & Woodstock Farm Sanctuary. I know how fucked up the food industry in regards to animal products and processed foods. I’d really like to go vegetarian or vegan but I struggle with that as well.
I’ve gotten a lot of solace and inspiration from Jasmine Singers book “Always Too Much and Never Enough.” It’s a memoir about how she struggled with her weight even as a vegan and her path (which involved juicing) to losing weight and getting a better relationship with food and herself. I’d like to find more books like this.
Before I blow up anymore I’m committing to a 3-10 day juice cleanse starting Monday 9/26/16. I want to detox and get off sugar etc. I’m trying to look at the fast as a spiritual challenge not just deprivation. I’ll see how long I can go for, but I’d like to make it 10 days. It’s like I’m afraid I’ll have a total meltdown, but things have gotten dire so I’m willing to give it a try.
I’m going to go to the gym or do some kind of exercise 5 times a week.
I’m going to go back to counting points on Weight Watchers.
I’m going to try to eat vegetarian and hopefully make my way to vegan. I want to eat whole foods and a mostly plant based diet.
I also may go to Overeaters Anonymous for support.
I’m tired of hating myself so I’m committing to this publicly and will post updates. I’d love to hear about your struggles and successes as well.
Anyone want to join me in this challenge?